I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
