I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Also, beer. Big fan.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
