I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize