1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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