Got a toothbrush?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Sacagawea was the original milf.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Of course I have a pirate flag
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
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