I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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