The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
