epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
