I hope mine doesn't look like that
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
