Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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