She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize