i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
Randomize