that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
