if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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