I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
