I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
