it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
