I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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