Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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