First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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