so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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