I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
