Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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