I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize