I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
