Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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