now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
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