If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
