Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
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