I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Randomize
