we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
