im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
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