There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Randomize