My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize