you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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