the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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