I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
