mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
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