You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
