people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
