I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I hate your face
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
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