dude i'm inner monologue high
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
