I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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