I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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