also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
