dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Randomize
