I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Randomize
