I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize