i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
