I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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