A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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