he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
