I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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