can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
