i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
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