Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize