My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
you never un-have a 4some
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
