I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He passed out mid-signature
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
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