1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
