stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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