Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
