I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
